Is This Nervousness?

For what seems like ages now I can’t seem to focus on any one thing. I have noticed that it’s getting a lot worse every day that we get closer to actually starting chemo. It’s almost like until they actually do the first IV infusion, I might get a phone call from the doc saying, “Oh! After the recent blood and scans we like your numbers” or “We decided this med will be a better option for your situation and, of course, less intense on your system.”

But the closer we get to the day (two more), I realize I am doing this. I AM doing this. I don’t know what “this” is, it may be nothing to me or I may be miserable, like when I was on Methotrexate shots. I DON’T KNOW!!!  That’s the biggest problem really. I have a huge issue with dealing with unknowns. I’m a curiosity-kills-the-cat kinda gal. I need to know.

Half knowledge about something–especially my health, my own body–half knowledge is almost physically painful for me!

My therapist says it is totally normal for me to not really process what I am going through until I’ve had a few infusions and am actually coping with side-effects consistently.

Giving me this much time before it starts is evil, but also great. I really needed this window to get the chance to prepare for anything that might happen during my more intense course of treatments; however, getting this time is also giving me the chance to get my imagination going. Think creepy Twilight Zone theme music. I am, of course, giving myself the chance to think of the weirdest negative things ever. I don’t think it’s the typical fear stuff, at least not yet. I am probably blocking those fears still because they are too big. Instead I am choosing these ridiculous fears like the end of my social life and the failure to finish the hours of classes in the timeline I have built for myself. :/

These made-up possibilities that keep popping into my head throughout the day pass the time for me. The stories are sometimes positive and make me smile, but more often than not the ideas make me cry too (hormone shifts from the fertility procedures? or the fear that the reality makes dreams impossible?).

It’s the little bit of denial I’d like to think of as hope that I am hanging onto. Hanging on as the reality gets closer and closer by the day. Maybe I can just walk away and forget the appointment! So many fantasies I can create in my head. In the end, the reality is, that which I park my car in front of and unlock the front door to walk into.

2 thoughts on “Is This Nervousness?

  1. My eighty-plus year-old neighbor said this about having survived lupus for fifty years, (most of which were spent being misdiagnosed, mostly with various psychiatric diagnoses):
    I stopped doing anything and everything that I didn’t want to do. I have spent most of my life living for ME, and don’t regret one bit of it. I read and watch t-v, thanking god for my sight and satellite t-v. I’m cheerful in interactions with others and try to get plenty of sleep. I do no housework and seldom cook. My husband has learned to do all of the inside and outside chores and if he does not do them to my liking, tough titty. Who cares.
    The children and grandchildren give US presents, when they want to do so. The years of being viewed as “cash cows” by them and relatives that invite us to weddings that I can’t attend are long behind me. I send cards or notes and that’s the end of it.
    I have come to believe that I should live according to the motto that I’ve heard guides physicians’ treatment of patients: First, do no harm. (And it would seem to an old gal like me that that’s as far as many of them go!) If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me. That’s the sum of my long and content life with
    lupus.

    • Judith,
      I love to hear stories of older women who went through Lupus for so long! Just like my Grandma, your neighbor grew up at a time that Lupus wasn’t known. The only diagnosis anyone could think of at the time was that “these women must be crazy.” It sounds like your neighbor has come to a healthy balance in her life WITH Lupus rather than trying to live life like Lupus isn’t there or doesn’t affect her. This is something, despite being diagnosed with chronic illnesses since my memory, I still struggle with finding my balance. Thank you for sharing her story. It helps center me and reminds me that I WILL get there someday!Thank you for reading my stories!
      Izzy

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