They always say that you should take as long as you need to grieve. Yet at the same time society expects you to be over it in a month, saying a month feels like I’m being liberal. Yesterday was my due date. Did no one else remember or did they just not know what to say? I don’t blame them. I’m not sure I would have known before going through it.
The day of the due date, that would never be real for me, was almost completely structured out. All focus going to someone else. Our darling Deer’s birthday weekend, always a special event. My mind was distracted! So many people to talk to and laugh with. Though it was certainly not her intent Deerheart just made it impossible for me to feel alone that day and the days leading up to it. Without it ever coming up in a discussion, because she’s amazingly good at making everything about her.
I lost the baby in November, I should be moving on. Figuring my life out without children now, right? But I haven’t gotten there yet and I’m not sorry. I’ll get there when I have the strength saved up to power forward. I just don’t have that built back up in me yet.
But now the weekend has ended and I’m back home and back to my own thoughts and I have one single image/idea intruding into every thought and action I do. There’s supposed to be a baby in my arms right now.