You Deserve To Have Me Count Against Your Dropout Rate

When I dropped out of High school I was months away from 18. So that still requires a legal gaurdian to sign you out. My father went with me that day. My Mom being a highschool teacher doesn’t have as flexible hours as my father.

When we got there they took us into the principals office. Where all of a sudden a realize I’ve been bombarded by an entire education team. The Superintendent, Prinicipal, both Vice Principals, counselors, teachers, school board reps… it was a circus all lined up in a horseshoe of overbearing male posturing. I waited to see who they had assigned to be ring leader.

Of course, the nice Principal and very nice vice Principal who had both known me since I was little had been given tthe job to do most of the speaking. I wonder how they were convinced it was right to treat me the way that followed? They tried reasoning and twisting and political speak.They all started chiming in as my father and I defended our points valiantly, though depressing that we had to fight to begin with. I was raised by a politician and I understood their bullshit wording and the reasons behind the frantic fae smiles. They didn’t think I’d done my research. Sorry folks, there’s a reason your losing one of the smartest kids in your school. Cause they wouldn’t find a way within NCLB to get my credits to work.

Yet still had the gall to try to convince me to “Withdraw with the intent to homeschool.” Which isn’t the same thing as dropping out of the system. The difference being I don’t count in their state report card as in their drop out rates.

Oh no sirs! We kept trying to explain, not that we got to talk much. Which is saying  a lot coming from a professional talker. Finally they did something that still baffles me and I am not sure is legal or forgivable.

They removed my Father from the room to talk to me alone. I am VERY very lucky I don’t get intimidated. Cause they then tried to convince me it was my parents making me do it. I flipped out on them. I’ve made all the big choices in my life since I was old enough for my parents to explain things and for me to do my own research and understand it.

How dare they minimize me that way, I was not someone to be “handled.” I refused to speak with them farther until they brought my Dad back in the room. But first I chastised them looking them each in the face, verbally reminding them of the promises, the contracts they’d signed agreeing to all of this. They had broken every promise toward my education they made when I first started High school.

Then I went silent and waited.

They started up again and I got mean. I flipped out. I heard later that the entire school’s front office heard me (I don’t have a quiet voice, it projects naturally, and I was furious at that point) knock them all down a peg. Ending with the fact that this was my decision. “Hand me the papers to sign and bring my father in so he can sign his half as well. Because I absolutely will count against your drop out rate. Because I DID the work. I did more than your students who are about to walk, but you won’t let me from a technicality that you aren’t willing to help us find a way around. Bad form. You’re educators. Not the people who derail those who want an education. When dealing with a student who has the system setup against them it’s important to have their back and find the loopholes and back doors in the system to help those students be the success stories they should. I don’t mean cheating, I’m talking about finding a way for them to have an equal chance. But you all, everyone of you, failed with me. So more than anyone I know, you deserve to have my number count against you on that dropout rate!”

They brought my father back in.

A few of them had tears in their eyes, all of them were apologizing.

All of them deserved to feel that way. They deserved to not get to cushion their emotions behind a desk. To recognize that if at any point one of them had tried to help figure out the new system when it came to me, we wouldn’t be there.

But we were and I dropped out. That was 12yrs ago

Always Almost There

I feel like I live my life in a perpetual state of almost there.

I am always almost there.

Or that’s what everyone tells me. When I catch them up on my life. Tell them about the turtle pace I’m living. The one accomplishment that’s new since last time we talked, if I’m lucky to have one. I have so many things that I have almost accomplished.

When you get far enough behind it kind be next to impossible to catch up. In those cases I’ve found it’s just easier to start over with a new dream. Try again. But this time I don’t seem to have way to do that.

I’m stuck in this stagnate almostness. While I watch the people around me moving forward and moving on. Doing amazing things, living! It’s so awesome to hear about, to know these people I grew up with are living their lives.

Prolonging My School Hiatus

As it gets closer to August 25th my hopes for starting back to school this semester are dwindling. Even though I’m no longer on Cytoxan/chemotherapy, I still can’t seem to get my health back up to par for classes. I have no reason to go back to school if I don’t have the energy to make it through classes yet another semester. I’m not gonna lie, this is a blow to my self-worth. I know, I know, logically I have the same self-worth as before. But it just feels like one more thing that got stepped on by Lupus and I’ll just have to walk away and start new somewhere else. Currently I am maintaining my denial and am certain I will finish school… eventually. In the mean time I am still trying to hold on to the last wisps of the structure for my life I mistakenly thought would go as planned (way back Freshman year!), I have thought of a few things school-wise to turn my focus on.

I have a number of Incompletes that I need to finish for my major, bot to mention graduation. Instead of pushing myself, I will be focusing on two Incompletes for the entire semester. I don’t need to overload myself. On top of the Incompletes, I’ll be Petitioning the school to get my credits to Roll-over. The thing is… by the time I will be able to finish my degree, with the requirements for credits as well as the requirements for my health, I’ll have been “In school” for more than 10yrs!! Ouch! That was another blow to my esteem… it’s taking me more than ten years to get my Bachelor’s Degree:/ But I have certainly enjoyed the topics I’ve perused while attending classes on and off;) I certainly know what I want to do as a career, if I have the opportunity to work outside the home. With the way my Lupus is going, that isn’t looking to be likely! But I will always look for ways to try to get out there!

Medicaid- Alien Status

I’m currently listed as an ALIEN on my insurance causing me to not be able to pick a specific insurance plan… Aliens are only allowed emergency care they explained to me… So I can’t see any of my doctors, specialists, or get my meds, unless I want to pay out of pocket? I’ve always been a US citizen, how did this over site occur you ask? Well, apparently someone in the Co. Job & Family Services had to have checked an incorrect box… yep. That’s the reason I’ve been having insurance issues since March, someone checked a wrong box. It took until JULY for me to find someone who actually knew what was wrong with my insurance. Feel my bitterness radiate.

Doctors Don’t Always Know!

Guess what? Doctors Don’t Always Know!

No seriously, half the time they’re as lost as we are. A good doctor is the kind that enjoys the mystery. They don’t have a problem feeling lost, that just means they have a new puzzle to put together:)

I have looked long and hard for doctors that have this mentality. I grew up fighting with doctors. I can tell a few stories that will make any parent proud of their child’s doctor appointment behaviors, even if they bit the nurse! Granted, personally even as an adult, I look back at the situations I was being put in (frequently removed from my parents eyes first) and I have a hard time faulting my behaviors. I was a child.

Who was going to listen to me, other than my parents? Only because I was lucky enough to have that kind of parent… I had to defend myself. As a child in the doctors’ office; we get talked about, over, and around. Very very rarely do we get talked to. Even when my parents made the attempt to include me in discussions with my doctors. The doctors had a tendency to quickly shift me out of the conversation. This way they wouldn’t have to deal with interacting and explaining to a younger less book educated brain like my own.

My methods when I look back often make me blush, but I got what I needed in the end. Knowing that my parents never faulted my behavior when these situations arose helps me believe in myself and trust the decision I make about my body and its medical treatment.

Too many people have been raised to believe that because the doctor has the degree they know exactly what is best for each individual.

Student Allies

The University’s Department for Students with Disabilities forwarded a request from a journalism student looking to interview students about dealing with their disability while in college. I volunteered as soon as I read it! The only way for people with disabilities to integrate into society as normal is by educating everyone about people who live with disabilities. Disability advocacy and alliance with those who do not yet have a disability has to become “common sense.” For this reason it is important to support students who seek to better understand how people with disabilities negotiate college.

It’s amazing how much more often this happens today than when  I started college 7 years ago! Back when I started college, students didn’t seem to want to hear anything about disability as a social or political issue. Now, many are approaching me and asking to hear about it–even when it is not a class requirement!! I am not sure if this change in attitude is indicative of the progress of the overall Disability Movement in our country or if it is the result of my school developing degrees and liberal education classes that has appeared to open minds about disability? Either way I look forward to seeing what happens next.

Here is an edited version of how I answered the student’s initial questions:

Please remember “person-first language” when referring to someone with a disability. Think of the person first then what the “condition/problem” is. For example, rather than saying “disabled person,” say “person with a disability.”

As with any other minority group, only those with the disability can refer to themselves as disabled. Why? Because when people with disabilities call themselves “disabled” it can be empowering; whereas when a person without any disabilities calls a person “disabled” then the person with the power is positioning the member of the minority group–therefore making it a slur.

1. What is your disability and can you please briefly describe it? (If you are willing to share)

I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus along with a number of other conditions. I was diagnosed with Juvenal Rheumatoid Arthritis at 18 months old. Since then I have been diagnosed with about 33 auto-immune conditions with their complications including the lupus, fibromyalgia, Sjogren’s syndrome, Raynaud’s syndrome, chronic pneumonia, chronic migraines, permanent vertigo, strokes, cognitive confusion, recurring pleurisy, recurring pericarditis, ADHD (yes, ADHD can be related to auto-immune issues).

Having an invisible chronic illness and going to school can be an amazing balancing act! Chronic illnesses such as these are sometimes called the “But you don’t look sick!” disease! (To help you understand how one lives with such conditions, go to butyoudontlooksick.com and look up “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino! Miserandino and the others at butyoudontlooksick.com were among the first to start to encourage young women with chronic conditions to advocate for themselves. Their encouragement has become a movement! :) )

Technically Lupus is an auto-immune disease where the white blood cells, the body’s defense system, attacks a person’s own RNA (i.e., ribonucleic acid,  which is a molecule in the body that works as a messenger for DNA). Rheumatoid Arthritis results when the white blood cells attack a person’s own joints as if those joints were an invading disease. Having Lupus is like having Arthritis in every part of my body: since RNA is in every part of the body, with Lupus, the white blood cells attack not only  the  joints, but also muscles, skin, organs, blood cells, nerves, etc. Almost everything in the body might end up being attacked.

A good way to describe Lupus is think of the worst hangover you’ve ever had then add on top of that muscle and joint pain like you’ve been running marathons daily and injured every limb possible in the process. It’s extreme pain, extreme exhaustion, and feeling physically ill all the time (like migraines and nausea). For example, earlier this week I had to leave to puke in the middle of my meeting with a prof. But unlike a healthy person I had to “puke and rally,” not at a weekend party, but by going back to class after puking (and without an awesome reason like having had fun the night before :) ) Most normal kids don’t function when they are as sick as I am almost everyday. Most go to the ER if they wake up one morning feeling like I do daily! But I’m that sick on an ALL THE TIME basis, so I can’t let it be a reason not to get things done. It’s hard to balance classes, social life, sorority, work, chores, etc. when my body fights against me every step of the way!!

2. What challenges have you encountered at College regarding your disability?

I deal with a lot of people including College profs and administrators who don’t believe I’m sick. As they put it, I’m a good looking girl, I can’t possibly be as sick as I’m claiming?! But that’s why it’s an Invisible Disability.

Some departments and professors are unwilling to work with me, by adjusting to my needs with the necessary accommodations, for me to get through their class. I have actually had a prof tell me that my grade wasn’t important enough for them to take the time to meet with me outside of class or help me by providing accommodations! I’ve also had a prof tell me I don’t deserve accommodations, because his other students don’t get them, so it wouldn’t be fair. I tried explaining that the other students aren’t sick. The prof said that was irrelevant! I have had to medically-withdraw from classes half way through a semester when professors, who said they would work with my condition once I am in a bad Flare-up, decide they don’t want to put the time in… despite me being willing to do whatever they require that I can so I can finish their class!

3. How has this University helped you become integrated into college life taking into consideration your disability?

This university itself has done little, if I didn’t have as strong a personality as I do and have as many people built into my support system before going to this University, I would never have made it this far.

Though, Andy (head of the Department for Students with Disabilities, ODR) is a god-send! He is absolutely in the corner of every student registered in his department. He will try to find out whatever he can to help each student the way they need it. All of us, even with the same conditions, need different accommodations. Andy takes the time to find out what those needs are and figure out what the university is willing to provide, then he follows through to make sure it actually happens!

 One problem I’ve found though, is that this university’s departments are not required to work with ODR if they choose not to. The department is allowed to put policies in place that undermine the power of ODR. The only things the departments can’t override are ADA (since that’s Federal), but even then you have to have the strength to fight for it, especially if it isn’t physically obvious that you need the assistance. When departments create policies that fight the spirit of ADA, they tie Andy’s hands behind his back. Why have a department to advocate for students and then allow for policies to be passed by departments that utilize loopholes?

My university recruits students with the claim that they will facilitate integration into campus life for students with disabilities. Once you get here, it becomes pretty obvious that their “help” is more theory than reality. When you’re talking about a group that is already so marginalized in our society as people with disabilities are, it is people like Andy who are the only thing standing between them and the roadblocks that stop students’ progress in college.

Though I am very lucky because I have managed to find a few professors and departments that actually consider educating their students to be a higher priority than sorting them through some sort of mythical “objective” grading system. Working with each student to find what that student needs to learn as much as they can is just what it means to be a teacher! Isn’t it?

 The access bus is also a life saver! The women who drive that bus are amazing, caring, open, and understanding! They always ask how I’m doing and remember details about me and my schedule in a way that makes me feel like somebody has my back. I wouldn’t have made it to any classes freshman or sophomore year if that bus didn’t exist–let alone any Greek events! But, my university has cut the bus budget leading to a reduction in staff and, therefore, accessibility of the access bus, which often means the backlog of riders makes me arrive late to class. To properly aid students with disabilities on this campus, the access bus needs much more than it is now allotted.

4. Have you traveled before? Why or Why not?

I travel inside the states. I have to be near people, wherever I go, who live in the area and know me and know my health issues. That way if something happens to me I am close to help. Also barometric pressure change affects my health condition, so travel between states can be hard on my system anyway.  I can’t get most of the vaccines required to travel to some places overseas, so I haven’t been since I was little. My sister travels overseas all of the time! She helps me feel like I am part of it by sending me designer earrings and panties from every country she visits. :)

5. Do you plan or want to study abroad?

Want? Yes, more than anything I would love to study abroad. I was pretty good in French before my bout of strokes. But there is no chance, with the difficulties I have encountered dealing with the University’s bureaucracy, that I will have the opportunity to study abroad. We can’t risk me being in another country and needing help with my health, as this college is so hands off when it comes to non-visible health conditions! My parents do not believe (nor do I) that I would have the assistance necessary if I developed severe health problems.

Izzy

7th year Senior–cause I can only go part time and had to change my major so many times until I found a department that wanted to work with a person with a chronic illness. I have a lot of useless credits from before I  found the right department!!

 

Paying the College Bureaucrats

I got an email at the beginning of this week. The email said I needed to pay my Bursars bill for the college…

I’m confused, didn’t my Dad pay for 7 credit hours already even though I’m only taking 3 credit hours? Why would he have to pay again?

Well he went in and paid all over again anyway. He doesn’t want to risk another very confusing Drop from my classes! Can you believe this?! They seriously are doing this… I don’t even understand what is going on? My Dad says we will wait and find out what the head of the Office for  Disabilities Resources thinks we should do about my situation. This is really frustrating!!

My Dad has now paid for a total of 10 credit hours this semester!! I’m taking 3… WTF!?! Plus side; I was able to set-up to start working with two of my professors on Incompletes, as well as my AASECT Licensure!! Happy Moment **Doing a little dance in my seat**

Navigating College Bureaucracy with a Chronic Illness

Today was exceptionally hectic later in the day. So I suppose I am glad I saved my spoons by accidentally sleeping in:/

Once again I was dealing with the University’s bureaucracy…

Please note the happily sarcastic smile plastered to my face, seriously I think it’s stuck now…

My Father was trying to figure it out for me today, because he had time in his schedule. Cause as a dependent and totally over my head at this point, it really wasn’t something I was going to be able to figure out on my own. This is when you bring in the cavalry. So I did.

I’ve never seen my cavalry so furious and tied in knots of frustration than I saw my Dad today!

My Father was able to finally breakdown what the University was doing to me in a way I understood:

• I was being required to pay for 7 credit hours that I was originally registered for in the spring. Even though I had intended to change my schedule, but had been unable to. Not having any access to a slot in add/drop on the registration website.

• I didn’t have access to add/drop because my University considers as of 2013  that taking Incompletes for a semester is a students declaration of informal withdrawal from the University. 

For one thing; I would like to point out, that I was never informed of this policy change. Not through email or any other type of notification. For another thing, I didn’t know that it really mattered as far as the bureaucrats go, I mean they got paid for the classes, whether I finished them or not!? Why does it matter if I want to keep trying or not???Not to mention not having student status means I CAN’T finish my Incompletes without access to the library and other necessary student-only-available facilities on campus!!

• As if that isn’t frustrating enough, in order to re-enroll on campus I will be automatically re-enrolled in all my classes that I had intended to drop once I re-enroll as a student. But it is too late for me to drop classes through Auto-drop online. Rather I will have to find the professors, whom I’ve never spoken to or been in their classes. Ask them to please drop me by filling out paper copies of Add/Drop slips, so I can take them to the Registrars’ Office…

Seriously people!?!

Not to mention at this point it is past the time that I can start a new class… there isn’t a single prof on campus that would add someone to their class this far along, the student has missed too much, I wouldn’t blame the prof at all! Though I would be willing to do anything like; meeting weekly until caught up on content in the eyes of the prof, doing extra papers to prove I understand the content of what has already been discussed in class, etc. Most professors don’t think of these aside ideas, let alone consider them appropriate. For some reason, people think that “treating everyone the same” is the same thing as “being fair.” I would like to point out to anyone who doesn’t know this: They aren’t the same!

“Treating everyone the same” really screws a lot of people over. People in different groups, minority groups mostly, like; income, ethnicity, race, etc., including chronic illness. At this point chronic illnesses are lumped in with all disabilities in general, even though each disability has different requirements/needs.

• Once I have dropped the classes I will be automatically Un-enrolled at the University again… what?! What was the point of going through enrolling again then!?! Not to mention, I need to be a student to finish my classes, that you are pissed at me for not being able to finish… so you make me fight to be a student and then take away the ability to be a student allowing me to finish my Incompletes… this is a BUREAUCRATIC CATCH-22

Screw you. This is what is called- NOT FAIR. But you tell me “this is policy” that I am not an exception to the rule. What does that really mean? Being an exception to a rule…? Here’s where my brain starts saying… well, yeah, except Izzy…

Like really though, how can we not take context/circumstance– disadvantage built in to the system– in to account???

• In order to stay enrolled as a student I will need to get all of the professors signatures, as well as department heads. I also have to find a professor willing to let me in to a class this late. Or I don’t get to stay a student…

Here’s the trick-

• I have to do it all by tomorrow, Thursday, for the Registrar’s office to process it in time to get through the deadline, which is Friday, two days from now.

Ok… Here goes… Something? Shit.

 

 

At the End of the Day

I should feel like I accomplished something at the end of my day. Especially a day like today where I barely got to sit down and ran so many errands I kept foretting what was next! Yet somehow I sat down on my couch at the end of today and just felt blah. My BF says that’s just what dealing with bureaucracy does to people… But I still feel empty for not getting some sense of accomplishment out of my day. When I look at my check list and how far I managed to get down the list, I really was productive, yet I feel more worthless than usual.

I had more to do than I realized walking in to my day with a list of my step by steps. I started by waking up late and not being able to move much! But I picked an outfit that I felt good wearing and I picked shoes that I could stand in lines in for a while if necessary. I went first to the registrars’ Office where they claimed they had no hold only the Bursars Office had a hold listed on you… ok but I saw it when I checked before I left my house. I had both a Bursars and a Registrars Re-enrollment hold left on my account.

They explained, Oh well if you recently went through re-enrollment then it could take a number of days to register in the system…. what? So I won’t have the chance to register for classes before the cut off date cause I won’t be a “student” yet by the time the system registers me and allows me into the online classes Bulletin.

But I can get a Prof to force add me in to a class if that is what I decide to do.

So I, at that point, knew I was cutting short my on-street -meter time and ran to the Parking Services Offices. Where I conveniently parked right outside;)I handed the lady my blue tag, my student ID, my license plate number written down…she told me I got a yellow pass.

No. I get a red pass? Look in my record you’ll see I get a red pass.

But you have a handicap pass, she says. You can park in any handicap spot designated for you

So? I still can’t park in a red lot handicap space without the red tag! She grumbled a lot. I was smiling and apologizing about my confusion, you see. My bitter monologue of mean was being held in my head alone.

She said I had to have a letter from the office of students with disabilities.

I have one, look I said?

You have to have one every semester.

oh. Are you serious? Now at this point I’m insulted… Do you really think my documented chronic illness has magically cleared up, really? *** Poof my fairy godmother finally showed up! Better late than never, but hey! No more Lupus:) Smile! *** I don’t have the pass for a broken leg thanks!

I’m sorry I wasn’t aware I needed another letter?

You aren’t an exception to the rule you know!?

See the thing is I do know that. I’m not asking to be an exception. I have a problem with the rule all together! I wasn’t trying to get exempt:/ I was solely expressing my casternation about the rule being in place, in the manner that it is being utilized, for any student…

But of course this exhausted, and overly harrassed office worker, assumed (despite my constant thank yous and apologies throughout) that I must be trying to get through a loop hole for something…. and of course attacking said harried office worker for n0t instantly complying to my personal wishes.

I admit it I’m forceful, but I swear I was expresssing confusion and exhaustion and trying for sympathy, cause honestly these ladies’ days have gotta suck the first few weeks of classes. I also understand the typical demographic at this school, so I get that the office workers are jaded. Come on though, I don’t act, dress, or have a situation that in anyway implies I deserve the typical red-tape treatment.

This is the problem. Bureaucracy is built for the middle ground/ the norm. I am far far from that. People whose entire lives are bureaucratic brainwashing harassment, see only the wolf in sheep’s clothing that they have been taught to dehumanize and view the people they are supposed to help as, so it will be easy to do the opposite from actually helping these individuals.

So I frustratedly stepped back to the back of the room and called the director of the department for students with disabilities directly. The lady glared at me the whole time. The Director said to come downstairs (his office is in the same building) and he would have the letter ready. I hung up the phone elated that something didn’t happen to have three more steps added to it and marched out of the office and picked up the letter, came back stepped up behind the next guy in line. When it was my turn I very sweetly placed the letter with the stack of other IDs necessary on the lady’s desk and smiling, after my hello to the Director and discussing his amped up day, I said

Well I was lucky enough to get ahold of him myself, so is there anything else I need for you please m’am?

She glared like I just cussed her out. I was happy one thing in my day went easy and she thought I was a gloating little twat for that:/ Well that did make me a gloating snarky twit after that I’ll tell you what!

Then I headed to the Bursars Office to find out what the Bursars hold that was listed on my account was. They explained that they didn’t have a hold an my account.

What?!

They have record that earlier in the summer they had mistakenly placed a hold on my account, but after contacting me they had cleared it up. The hold was removed more than 3weeks ago, all she can see listed is a Registrars hold, she expressed….?!?!

Ok is anyone else totally lost now? Cause I’m lost.

But,  she says, you did just put a parking charge on your Bursars account so you’ll have a hold tomorrow if you don’t pay that today

WHAT!?! I can’t deal with this… I get it now, I get why they have all the safety barricades around bureaucratic buildings, I get why people go psycho! This is insane! No one knows anything, no one you talk to has power to change or affect anything. At best they can change a listing in a box, more likely it will be only what they have been taught to parrot and any deviation as far as these pencil pushers understand it just doesn’t exist, in a creepy Pleasanteville still seeing the black and white sort of way.

I can’t hate the peon, they are solely part of the cogs in the factory of bureaucracy… but I can sure as hell get furious at them for never learning to think for themselves! That’s on you pal. At some point learn to form your own opinion! Realize when the system isn’t always right and find ways to work with that to make it right for everyone you have the opportunity to be able. That’s part of being human, stepping up for other humans. It’s part of living in a community. Oh wait we don’t remember how to do that anymore…

I have a sneaking suspicion the lady in the Bursars office checked a box, cause when I got home the hold wasn’t listed anymore. The Registrars’ hold still was, sigh. My Dad had to run up to Campus and pay so I don’t get a whole new hold on my account tomorrow. Here I am putting my parents in the hole another semester.

I refuse to stay stagnate this semester! I will move forward. I am going to finish these Incompletes and get to Senior standing. I can do this. I can also studying my menu for work well enough to stat covering everyone else’s shifts. That way I pick up more hours and help out my parents money-wise there.

At the end of the day I feel drained, empty except for a smoldering anger, I feel bitter, resigned, and totally unsuccessful. Yet I did so much. That doesn’t even include the grocery shopping!! I don’t know how people do this and make dinner or bathe when they get home. I would faint if I tried to bathe without help and ovens and stoves in this state, hell knives, just sound dangerous. Anybody have any spare #spoons for sale;)

Campus Run-around

Playing with campus bureaucracy is fun! Said no one ever. That’s what I got to do today. It’s the first day of classes and unlike all of the other students on this campus, I still don’t even know what my schedule is. This late in the game what is the point of planning a schedule when I don’t know what classes will have room left to force add me still?

At least one part was easy. I was right about the registrars hold being an absolutely simple bureaucratic paper work hold up. That’s right I have to fill out a silly form telling them all the things they already know about me like I’m enrolling for new almost! Make work if you ask me! Obviously I did this as soon as I sat down when I got home. But I have no idea how long it takes to process…

I still couldn’t get through to anyone in the Bursars office, which is annoying but understandable, with all the students being back this week:/ When I got to the office in person the registrars line was shorter than the Bursars currently, so I stopped at the registrars first. WHen I finished and turned around the Bursars was closed. sigh. I guess that’s my first stop tomorrow!

I picked up the last of my school stuff from the house I moved out of. All the work and research for my incompletes. It’s like three boxes full, this made me kind of nervous. Fluttery in my tummy kinda thing. Can I do it? Really? Or as usual is my health gonna crop up in some not able to plow through it kind of way? So that the entire semester may as well have not happened? Hahaha Or better yet, if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be as far behind!

But that really isn’t the way to look at it. I start the classes. I get as far through them as I am able. WHen i get sick I get sick. It’s a cycle it happens, it’s part of the cycle of my life. That’s at least one step forward every class I manage to start, right? So how about finishing the classes? At this point I feel like I have elevated the forward movement of finishing the incompletes to an exponential number of steps forward for my life. I realized that If I can finish a major research paper that I haven’t even looked at in months, in the next two weeks, then I can turn it in and be up an entire class standing! The first few weeks of classes and I could move up a whole standing! How many more incompletes until I can count myself a true Senior? I have to make some hard decisions about my timeline if I’m really serious about “being done” and “getting out.” I believe I can do this. Most of me does. I have some pretty hardcore doubts. Especially when I haven’t been feeling good. But I know I’m brilliant I just have to get past these silly barriers that our society put up and I let them worry at me and get in to parts o my heart… cause they just weren’t thinking about someone like me. I just have to remember that. THis is ehy AI’m here, to make it easier for the next kid who tries to get  through college with “strange” exceptions. I can do this.

Tomorrow, I already know my checklist. Let’s see what I can get done!