KareKrate Package Fun

IMG_5099The  Deluxe KareKrate package came in the mail a few days before my next dose of chemo. Which was really exciting. As far as I was concerned it gave me a chance to take a look at everything in the box and feel sharp-ish-ish… and not as sick while figuring out what each thing was. Little did I know, that KareKrate totally takes into account that I could be receiving it on the worst day after a dose of chemo! IMG_5104They had a folder for me, that when opened, I discovered had a dual purpose. It held papers of information to help any patient understand symptoms that are common with chemotherapy, as well as a page with different colors and different font to help my tired brain distinguish what I’m reading. It explains everything in the gift package that I received! IMG_5155The folder (with this page with colors and different font to help my tired brain distinguish what I’m reading explained) was to keep track of all of my papers and information received when at doctors appointment, etc. The folder also held various pages that explain what more common symptoms are while going through chemo and a number of things to look out for as well as ways to deal with these side affects. I can’t wait to actual sit down and type up my notes for all the different products I’ve had the opportunity to try from KareKrate!!

Is This Nervousness?

For what seems like ages now I can’t seem to focus on any one thing. I have noticed that it’s getting a lot worse every day that we get closer to actually starting chemo. It’s almost like until they actually do the first IV infusion, I might get a phone call from the doc saying, “Oh! After the recent blood and scans we like your numbers” or “We decided this med will be a better option for your situation and, of course, less intense on your system.”

But the closer we get to the day (two more), I realize I am doing this. I AM doing this. I don’t know what “this” is, it may be nothing to me or I may be miserable, like when I was on Methotrexate shots. I DON’T KNOW!!!  That’s the biggest problem really. I have a huge issue with dealing with unknowns. I’m a curiosity-kills-the-cat kinda gal. I need to know.

Half knowledge about something–especially my health, my own body–half knowledge is almost physically painful for me!

My therapist says it is totally normal for me to not really process what I am going through until I’ve had a few infusions and am actually coping with side-effects consistently.

Giving me this much time before it starts is evil, but also great. I really needed this window to get the chance to prepare for anything that might happen during my more intense course of treatments; however, getting this time is also giving me the chance to get my imagination going. Think creepy Twilight Zone theme music. I am, of course, giving myself the chance to think of the weirdest negative things ever. I don’t think it’s the typical fear stuff, at least not yet. I am probably blocking those fears still because they are too big. Instead I am choosing these ridiculous fears like the end of my social life and the failure to finish the hours of classes in the timeline I have built for myself. :/

These made-up possibilities that keep popping into my head throughout the day pass the time for me. The stories are sometimes positive and make me smile, but more often than not the ideas make me cry too (hormone shifts from the fertility procedures? or the fear that the reality makes dreams impossible?).

It’s the little bit of denial I’d like to think of as hope that I am hanging onto. Hanging on as the reality gets closer and closer by the day. Maybe I can just walk away and forget the appointment! So many fantasies I can create in my head. In the end, the reality is, that which I park my car in front of and unlock the front door to walk into.

Last Hoorah

I want one last hooray before I really start the process. I mean I know it all started weeks ago with all of the tests and nonsense. But I feel like the first infusion is me really STARTING everything. So I want to visit our friends at the Xmas parties this weekend before I start.

I wanted a chance to see everyone in our group of friends that we see most often. Granted lately we have been spending a lot of our time out with a different main group, but these are still people I would never walk away from! This is why it was especially important for me that I get to “say goodbye” to everyone before I started my Infusions. I mean, how many of these kids have the time, let alone will choose to spend it on me once I can’t come to them? Here’s the catch: the party is at the bosses house that fired me.

 

I got to go to the Xmas party of the work place that we have been slowly drifting toward more and more. They are our age group, closer to our interests, as well as more interested in the same sort of relaxed life style we prefer. Over the dramatized lives of the younger groups we tend to be around.