Possibility of Infertility

It’s not that I don’t have support, it’s not that everyone isn’t listening when I need it; but boy do I feel alone.

My friends and family all try to remind me that I have embryos AND eggs frozen. Most people aren’t lucky enough to have either. They are also reminding that this concept isn’t coming out of know where. I had already considered this as a possible outcome of my health issues as well as my medication side-affects. But Lupus has taken something from me, every step of my life. Step by step I go and Lupus follows behind snatching it all out from under me, since I was a child! I just didn’t want pregnancy to be another one of those things that Lupus took away from me.

Someone to TALK to

Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. Who isn’t listening just cause I’m paying like the therapist does. I want someone to actually want to hear the ramblings in my head. I have people that I would be willing to listen to anything, often strangers I will make this connections with over more subjective friends, but I would be willing to listen and ask questions of these people until I felt what they felt. So that for a few minutes with me, they aren’t alone. I want someone who can feel that way about me.

I think so often people mistake this as a trait necessary for a romantic relationship or a trait that produces a romantic relationship. Don’t get me wrong, you can totally have this with your partner I imagine, but it doesn’t have to be that, you can have intimate connections that are platonic. It’s about finding someone who for one feeling, or experience, or moment they understand not logically, but by being there in it with you.

I am a person and the person for so many people I just want one person to be that for me. I would at least try to reciprocate. I would like to guarantee  I would be a good friend in return, but I’ve never been on the other side of the bargaining board. I’ve never gotten to be the person who could say things weren’t hunky-dory. Don’t get me wrong I talk a lot, beyond a lot, excessively. But complaining about the state of my physical well-being and the hardships that their are catch-22s within catch-22s for me to deal with; those aren’t part of the conversations.

In my academic classes about how our society copes with disability as a group/class/minority they would say it’s the supercrip image idea; I have to keep powering through, I can’t have doubts, have to defy the odds, not just by being better than a societally created image of “a sick kid/cripple,” but by being better even than a champion who trians for nothing but one thing their whole life… I defy the odds by getting out of bed on some days, thank you! But I certainly don’t what them cheering for me when I lace-up my own shoes (in general). I guess there is an in-between of respect and understanding, that I want, that the norm of our society hasn’t set up for me to receive.

The biggest problem. I’m far from a supercrip.  may always be sick, everyday a struggle, but I’ve met plenty of people who I would find trying to adapt to their life a lot harder than the life I know. I’m also not a supercrip as far doing amazing things. I can’t do the kid with a disability equivalent of leap skyscrapers in one bound. I’m me: 27yr old, still dependent on my parents, trying to get through college on year 7, sick and hospitalized here and there, trying to get a job, finish Incompletes for classes required for my major, deal with a BF who just tries to be there the best he can’t but the rules change out from under him depending on the day and the pain, figure out how to actually logistically be independent (let’s start with being able to bath myself maybe), make it to classes regularly so I’m not always on catch up. Actually manage to see al the docs and get the tests done I am overdue for at this point…. Hoe am I a supercrip? Right there, that’s why that phrase is insulting. I’m me. This is hard. Life, I mean, no matter what circumstances you have to learn to cope with. But It’s my life, I love it, impossibilities and all. I’m gonna get through all of this and be an amazing contribution to society; be it in my own understanding of that or society truly seeing my contribution as relevant on its massively prejudiced grading scale.