When the Results Aren’t Good

I’ve been playing phone tag with the OB’s office all day. They usually just leave a message. This time her message was to call back every time. I signed something at this particular office saying they could tell my info to me in a voice mail. They normally do! Telling me “it’s a little abnormal we want to see you again,” or “everything’s great, have any questions call,” whatever. But this time it was just back and forth. Come on guys, can you be more obvious?! If you are willing to leave a message telling me I have abnormal results then I’m going to ASSUME this particular situation is worse!
Well I got the call. Turns out the weird suspicions I’ve been having were right. I’m premenopausal. I’m 28 yrs old! It’s from the adrenal function issues I’ve had from long-term steroid use. They’re putting me on meds, oh but don’t worry, it’s all very normal (sure normal in women in their 30s or 40s to need this or just ME apparently) Blah Blah Blah she explains… All of these months of trying and I haven’t even been ovulating. None of it mattered. It made me cry. It really isn’t that bad. many women go through mild fertility assistance. But it just felt like one more thing my health was trying to take away from me.

I’ve always known I’d be a great mother. No matter how sick I get, I can take care of a kid. But now I might not have that option? For real?! That seems so surreal. But I guess the good thing is it’s still a might. We have a number of options left, starting with the Clomid I start in November!

It can be difficult to establish in my own head how I feel when I get bad news to do with my health anymore. I feel as though part of this comes from every few months learning something else was wrong with me for most of my life. Maybe I learned to just not cope? Perhaps I cope so well it flows over me? I think it is the case really. I go through all of the stages of coping so rapidly that most people don’t notice I had a problem to begin with.

**This does NOT extend to any other area of my life**

Instead this is why when I do encounter something that I can’t just let flow through me and go with it… I don’t know what to do. I shut down. I could be pouring myself into preparing for the eventual baby (which I have been doing for months), but I have such a hard time mustering the hope right now. I spent a lot of spoons/energy on hope these last number of months. I’ll figure out my way to cope with this, until I do, I remind myself I just haven’t found the next great thing yet.

Adding A 4th Shot To The Routine

Nov. 10th 2013

My nightly routine now involves a 4th shot! I’ve been giving myself 2 shots that were fertility stimulants nightly. But since my clotting factor isn’t great, I also have to give myself a shot of Lovenox, a blood thinner. Now starting today I have to give myself a 4th shot that is the HCG hormone to help the eggs fully mature in prep for the harvesting. I wasn’t really worried… I mean at this point I’ve been doing 3 shots a night in my own stomach for a week at least… but the docs warned me that this shot might hurt more. Hmmmm…

Interesting… Let me describe how the other shots feel. Then I’ll tell you about the 4th. I have to give myself a shot called Follistim. It’s a lot like an epipen. It is actually shaped like a really thick writing pen it eve has a cap with a clip! haha This particular med has to be kept in the fridge since it comes premixed.

Eating & Weight

I’m losing weight. Which is weird, because I’m eating way better food. As in healthier food that is packed full of nutrition and yumminess. No, fast food! I’m also eating more often and I would think that would make me gain weight. My BF says it’s that it is the result of my metabolism beginning to work properly. I think he’s right. My metabolism has always had trouble working correctly, or my digestive tract, or whatever–something, not something, I don’t know. Point is:

I need to eat even more, don’t you think?!  Chocolate here I come!! Woohoo!!