They always say that you should take as long as you need to grieve. Yet at the same time society expects you to be over it in a month, saying a month feels like I’m being liberal. Yesterday was my due date. Did no one else remember or did they just not know what to say? I don’t blame them. I’m not sure I would have known before going through it.
The day of the due date, that would never be real for me, was almost completely structured out. All focus going to someone else. Our darling Deer’s birthday weekend, always a special event. My mind was distracted! So many people to talk to and laugh with. Though it was certainly not her intent Deerheart just made it impossible for me to feel alone that day and the days leading up to it. Without it ever coming up in a discussion, because she’s amazingly good at making everything about her.
I lost the baby in November, I should be moving on. Figuring my life out without children now, right? But I haven’t gotten there yet and I’m not sorry. I’ll get there when I have the strength saved up to power forward. I just don’t have that built back up in me yet.
But now the weekend has ended and I’m back home and back to my own thoughts and I have one single image/idea intruding into every thought and action I do. There’s supposed to be a baby in my arms right now.
Yay! BFG and I got a dog this week! Stupid dog… he’s huge, and does not meet any of my requirements for a dog. I guess that’s a part of being in a relationship though, compromise. We’re still looking for my little cuddle bug. Until then, I’m stuck trying to teach this big high energy pit/lab mix what it is to cuddle. He does seem to be taking to it; it’s rather entertaining to watch him try and curl up into a little ball next to me. Sometimes he tries to get onto the same couch cushion I’m on and hopes I won’t notice. I honestly don’t think he realizes how big he is.
I’ve been playing phone tag with the OB’s office all day. They usually just leave a message. This time her message was to call back every time. I signed something at this particular office saying they could tell my info to me in a voice mail. They normally do! Telling me “it’s a little abnormal we want to see you again,” or “everything’s great, have any questions call,” whatever. But this time it was just back and forth. Come on guys, can you be more obvious?! If you are willing to leave a message telling me I have abnormal results then I’m going to ASSUME this particular situation is worse!
Well I got the call. Turns out the weird suspicions I’ve been having were right. I’m premenopausal. I’m 28 yrs old! It’s from the adrenal function issues I’ve had from long-term steroid use. They’re putting me on meds, oh but don’t worry, it’s all very normal (sure normal in women in their 30s or 40s to need this or just ME apparently) Blah Blah Blah she explains… All of these months of trying and I haven’t even been ovulating. None of it mattered. It made me cry. It really isn’t that bad. many women go through mild fertility assistance. But it just felt like one more thing my health was trying to take away from me.
I’ve always known I’d be a great mother. No matter how sick I get, I can take care of a kid. But now I might not have that option? For real?! That seems so surreal. But I guess the good thing is it’s still a might. We have a number of options left, starting with the Clomid I start in November!
It can be difficult to establish in my own head how I feel when I get bad news to do with my health anymore. I feel as though part of this comes from every few months learning something else was wrong with me for most of my life. Maybe I learned to just not cope? Perhaps I cope so well it flows over me? I think it is the case really. I go through all of the stages of coping so rapidly that most people don’t notice I had a problem to begin with.
**This does NOT extend to any other area of my life**
Instead this is why when I do encounter something that I can’t just let flow through me and go with it… I don’t know what to do. I shut down. I could be pouring myself into preparing for the eventual baby (which I have been doing for months), but I have such a hard time mustering the hope right now. I spent a lot of spoons/energy on hope these last number of months. I’ll figure out my way to cope with this, until I do, I remind myself I just haven’t found the next great thing yet.
It’s not that I don’t have support, it’s not that everyone isn’t listening when I need it; but boy do I feel alone.
My friends and family all try to remind me that I have embryos AND eggs frozen. Most people aren’t lucky enough to have either. They are also reminding that this concept isn’t coming out of know where. I had already considered this as a possible outcome of my health issues as well as my medication side-affects. But Lupus has taken something from me, every step of my life. Step by step I go and Lupus follows behind snatching it all out from under me, since I was a child! I just didn’t want pregnancy to be another one of those things that Lupus took away from me.