As it gets closer to August 25th my hopes for starting back to school this semester are dwindling. Even though I’m no longer on Cytoxan/chemotherapy, I still can’t seem to get my health back up to par for classes. I have no reason to go back to school if I don’t have the energy to make it through classes yet another semester. I’m not gonna lie, this is a blow to my self-worth. I know, I know, logically I have the same self-worth as before. But it just feels like one more thing that got stepped on by Lupus and I’ll just have to walk away and start new somewhere else. Currently I am maintaining my denial and am certain I will finish school… eventually. In the mean time I am still trying to hold on to the last wisps of the structure for my life I mistakenly thought would go as planned (way back Freshman year!), I have thought of a few things school-wise to turn my focus on.
I have a number of Incompletes that I need to finish for my major, bot to mention graduation. Instead of pushing myself, I will be focusing on two Incompletes for the entire semester. I don’t need to overload myself. On top of the Incompletes, I’ll be Petitioning the school to get my credits to Roll-over. The thing is… by the time I will be able to finish my degree, with the requirements for credits as well as the requirements for my health, I’ll have been “In school” for more than 10yrs!! Ouch! That was another blow to my esteem… it’s taking me more than ten years to get my Bachelor’s Degree:/ But I have certainly enjoyed the topics I’ve perused while attending classes on and off;) I certainly know what I want to do as a career, if I have the opportunity to work outside the home. With the way my Lupus is going, that isn’t looking to be likely! But I will always look for ways to try to get out there!
I woke up with a weird dizzy spell yesterday. Not my normal vertigo, but rather, everything was actually VISUALLY spinning and wouldn’t stop!! I was literally hanging on to the floor and walls waiting for everything to stop moving. Luckily my husband helped me take care of the dizziness. We are hoping it’s an inner ear infection and not a new Lupus symptom! My Husband is amazing, running around pulling out the right pills, getting me gatorade, and even handing me the pills in the order I prefer to take them. How sweetly observant of him, to know the entire routine, exactly how it makes me feel comfortable. But even with the quick Emergency Husband Response Team timing, I was out for the count all day.
This was a new symptom for me and not very much fun. I never find it very easy to deal with a new symptom. For one thing, the first part is figuring out if this is a symptom of the chronic illnesses or an outside issue. Then if it is indeed the Lupus (or one of the other syndromes/diagnoses) I have to figure out what the patterns of the symptom are. Potentially figure out a cause and/or treatment for it! Once I figure out how to treat or cope with the symptom itself I get a wash of “well damn, one more thing to deal with.” pouring over me. But I always keep going. I mean, life would get boring if I didn’t;) But in that moment while I am recognizing that I have some permanent new fixture of annoyance in my life… One that I will forever have to keep at the back of my mind, stay aware of, maintain/treat… I crumble a little. Just for a moment. Then I shake my head **Figuratively, please, no puking necessary** and I get on with my day.
How do you feel when you get a new health issue to deal with popping up in your life? Do you find health issues to be overwhelming or is it just one more symptom on top of a list you don’t notice? How about those of you without health issues, how do you deal with outside stressors that inch their way into your life?
Well the first steps involve a lot of doctors appointments and tests along with getting my cycle regulated and fertile. Since I was on birth control I have to be off it long enough for my body to start producing eggs again. This CAN take 3 months to a year or so. But I have the time limit of how long before my health deteriorates. If it gets bad enough then trying to have a child wouldn’t be a health-conscious choice at that point.
We see the High-Risk OB this week! We have been consulting with him over the phone and he has been talking with my other specialists. But husband and I get to meet him finally! We will find out what he plans for my Lupus with a pregnancy. I already have the bloodwork done, saw the dentist and eye doctor, my Oncologist’s Okay, my Rheumatologist’s excitement and curiosity. This really is it before the whole waiting for a positive test result.
Guess what I did today? Among the much needed cleaning and organizing and Thank You letters written today… I managed to get my new Social Security card and Drivers’ License!!! Officially legally MRS. R now! Legally recognized by Federal and State! WOOT!!
But I was pretty pissed that I can’t change my middle name to my maiden name as is traditional in my family still. My state doesn’t allow for middle name changes?! I’m like, right cause obviously I’m a mobster in hiding… sigh. I’m still going by my maiden name as my middle name though, thank you very much!
I’m trying to wrap my brain around what my husband and I will be doing over the next few months. The plan will lead to our lives changing for… well forever.
I haven’t had a chance to really process the idea that I may not actually be able to have children if I wait, like I initially planned. I mean I planned to have my college degree first, hell even a dog!! But the baby is coming first if I want that option. Unless I’m willing to risk not having it…
From the persecutive I have of all the options in my hand right now, the only spade I have to play right now is baby first college after. But boy is that a scary persecutive. Especially since society claims the “proper order” is very specific, of which I won’t be following remotely in this situation. I think what scares me most is knowing this is something I am ready (as you can be) for, but I don’t know if my life with this guy is ready for a baby on top of the complications of his mental disorder and incorporating it into taking care of my health and a baby.