Prolonging My School Hiatus

As it gets closer to August 25th my hopes for starting back to school this semester are dwindling. Even though I’m no longer on Cytoxan/chemotherapy, I still can’t seem to get my health back up to par for classes. I have no reason to go back to school if I don’t have the energy to make it through classes yet another semester. I’m not gonna lie, this is a blow to my self-worth. I know, I know, logically I have the same self-worth as before. But it just feels like one more thing that got stepped on by Lupus and I’ll just have to walk away and start new somewhere else. Currently I am maintaining my denial and am certain I will finish school… eventually. In the mean time I am still trying to hold on to the last wisps of the structure for my life I mistakenly thought would go as planned (way back Freshman year!), I have thought of a few things school-wise to turn my focus on.

I have a number of Incompletes that I need to finish for my major, bot to mention graduation. Instead of pushing myself, I will be focusing on two Incompletes for the entire semester. I don’t need to overload myself. On top of the Incompletes, I’ll be Petitioning the school to get my credits to Roll-over. The thing is… by the time I will be able to finish my degree, with the requirements for credits as well as the requirements for my health, I’ll have been “In school” for more than 10yrs!! Ouch! That was another blow to my esteem… it’s taking me more than ten years to get my Bachelor’s Degree:/ But I have certainly enjoyed the topics I’ve perused while attending classes on and off;) I certainly know what I want to do as a career, if I have the opportunity to work outside the home. With the way my Lupus is going, that isn’t looking to be likely! But I will always look for ways to try to get out there!

I Thought the Dog Would Come First

Yeah, you’ve heard me correctly. After a lot of research on both my part and my specialists’ we decided it’s worth a try to have a baby at this point in my life. I know that seems crazy right?! Well it kinda did for me at first.

Like honestly, I thought I’d get a dog first.

But my best chance of remission is having a child at this point in my life. Not just of achieving remission, but of having a possibly healthy pregnancy. I’ll try to break it down.

For one thing this will require support: Obviously any pregnancy does. But this one would for multiple reasons. Money, Help with my health, help with tired.. doc drivers and house work

Affects on my Lupus: enzymes, arthritis studies, by-passing after flare-up, likelihood of remission otherwise, likelihood disease will limit my ability to carry an infant to viable term after 35

Risk to child Now: Likelihood fine if it survives first trimester miscarriages I do not test positive for the protein’s as of 2011 that make a second-third trimester miscarriage likely.

Risk to child Later: All risk escalates along with that of the mother, risk of fertility issues go up as well

Risk to mother Now: A typical High-risk Lupus pregnancy, possible fertility issues already

Risk to mother Later: The risk is not considered worth it. They wound’t even talk about later for me being pregnant. The doctors switched over to discuss us having surrogates.