Why Are We Doing Nothing But Chemically Medicate?

Sometimes your mind goes in too many different directions and sometimes it is at a stand still and can’t seem to go in any direction at all. That’s anxiety and depression. In today’s age we have so many arguments about those diagnoses. Are they being over diagnosed? Are they not a disease, but an excuse? Are they caused by society or brain chemicals or maybe a bad background? So much debate.

But the biggest thing I hear is everyone has it. Maybe. Maybe we all feel that crippling feeling of not being able to move… for a moment. Maybe. Maybe we all feel that feeling that every single direction has to be the right one and oh no what do I do? Maybe. Maybe we all feel that numbness of nothingness that feels like something beyond what anyone who hasn’t felt it could fathom feels empty. But I think there is a difference. Just like in all experiences. We can say in almost every situation; “you can’t know.” Where doesn’t that phrase work? … You haven’t lost a tooth! … oh, wait are you talking to a 3yr old? See what I’m saying? I think anxiety and depression are two of those things, like all other experiences, that some but not all people can say they have experience with.

I think I recently would have liked to claim (to myself at least) that my anxiety came from being in abusive relationships. But, honestly,  I remember being anxious before that. The difference was, I had a support system that helped me feel safe. I rarely felt anxious within the bubble that my life was. It wasn’t until dealing with abuse that I learned how truly crippling having anxiety can be, how essential family (people you love, who love you) is to dealing with any form of illness physical or mental, how that bubble wasn’t set up the way we have set up our world. I’ve heard words that imply “our world isn’t for the weak.” But I would like to counter that and say that– perhaps we have set up a world that isn’t for the people who care to feel for others.

But I have certainly never claimed to be clinically depressed, situationally for sure. It is hard to be stuck in bed for weeks or not able to be at school with your friends growing up and not feel depressed during those times. It wasn’t until recently that I would say I, perhaps feel, what a minute part of feeling depressed clinically can be like. I lost my baby. But it is so much more than that. I lost what and who I thought I was going to be, what I thought I was going to do. Just like when I speak to people who have been diagnosed with one of the diseases I have, who I was going to be died with my baby. So now who am I heading toward in life? All of those patterns and goals I mentally prepared for, for months. The fertility treatments, the bed rest, the budgeting, the picking names, reading as much as possible, and getting excited.

I have come to realize it may be inappropriate for me to minimize my situational depression just because it isn’t the same thing as clinical depression. That’s the thing, it isn’t the same thing. Instead of comparing, then feeling guilty, because “compared to [them] I don’t have an excuse” I need to realize that I have something else (though similar) going on and I have to figure out what that means if I want to have the will power and knowledge to change the negative feelings and patterns this situation I’m in have caused.

I have found I have what sounds like a weird form of being suicidal. Though I don’t know how it is weird when there are books like Into The Wild. I don’t want to die. I want this life I have to die. I see no point in this life continuing. It makes more sense to walk away from this life and start another one all over again? Wouldn’t it be easier?

In the end it wouldn’t. “Becoming someone else” or “who you truly are” or however you want to put it is difficult in our society. It’s next to impossible. You can’t even change your middle name in some states in the U.S. If you walk away from people- you will be found by technology, the government, just google yourself- it doesn’t really matter what you’re running from, you won’t get away. If you don’t leave; the other people in your life will continue to see you as they have since forming your relationship. No matter what changes have happened in your life and how that has shaped who you are since meeting.

So the option I am left with is the same option I have had every time I reach this point in my life. Curl into the fetal position with a panting squirming cocka-poo who is trying to breathe for a few hours/days/ weeks/months.

Where I lie– Not thinking, thinking, over thinking, feeling numb, over feeling, feeling numb because I felt too much– cycling at a level that gets to the point where “I don’t even know” and “I’m as confused as you are” are the only answers I can come up with when asked questions pertaining to what I’m doing or what I’m thinking about.

Then figure out what my life will be now that this branch of experiences has been sawed off. I find a way to give myself make-work, that is useless work, that doesn’t make me feel any more worth something, but it’s doing something. Then I move to that something sparking an interesting, lighting me up…. and I GO!

I run with this wonderful new discovery of self. This awesome ability do whatever skill I have discovered, be it learning to knit socks, train dogs, or finally learning how to not interrupt when someone else is telling a story (I haven’t gotten that one yet). With this discovery the ball often never feels like it will stop rolling. I tend to stay in that state. Happy. Ready for anything. That’s what I always assuming anyway. Until something like this happens to my life and I am left asking anyone and everyone if they have any idea what coping strategies I’m supposed to be using to move forward in life and being left with nothing but the wall of caring, loving, sympathy and absolute cluelessness about it… the same situation I’m already in.

The problem with my THIS is that it doesn’t have only one layer to my situation. When you think the story is finished there always seems to be another but… and in this labyrinth of just one more hurdle at every turn I am getting tired.

If what is said is true about anxiety and depression. That we all feel it, at THAT LEVEL, can it be an excuse by each individual or is it truly a societal symptom? Maybe we do need to take a look at society and the direction mass mentality is going.

Personally I feel an individual should never have to ask for help it should just be given, but that isn’t how our society is set up, right?

Our society is losing itself to depression and anxiety, we aren’t do anything. Treating it as its own disease rather than the symptom it appears to be. We are all crying silently for help.

Because when it comes down to it… Why are we doing nothing but chemically medicate?

Fired for my Health

I still feel like it is my fault. I can’t be totally furious at the Big boss for firing me, from his perspective I am not giving his business my all or as far as he is concerned my all isn’t good enough, which ever.

But for the Big boss to not even be willing to meet with me to discuss the situation, to fire me in person at the very least!? Give me the opportunity to apologize, explain, discuss possible options. Maybe ask for a second chance with probation and accommodations that take my health in to account this time around???

I mean I am willing to work the grime-y jobs that nobody wants to deal with, I would work on probation only with the Big boss on shift til he feels comfortable with my skills. I would be willing to do whatever he wanted to show that I truly want this job and believe I can do it! I just need time for my body to warm up to having regular physical, sleep deprived stress where I have to maintain a pep and vitality that brings me back to sorority recruitment… The worst part? I picked up this shift for someone else. I wasn’t supposed to work it originally. I would still have my job if I hadn’t tried to help somebody else out.

Side note: Big boss and my Momma dislike each other greatly in our city’s political arena, I was getting weird vibes when the other boss hired me… part of me wonders if it’s my last name that lead to this? I gave him the first excuse possible and he jumped on it, my own damn fault, I know better than to not be perfect for at least 4mths sick or not. Unlike his other ‘”kids,’ whom he protects, and listens to, and understands, and gives many chances, cause they are “only children.” I appear to not even get the respect to give him a face to face apology… I am being inappropriate thinking he, the adult/superior, is making the bad mannered choices. Be a gentleman please, I am trying to be that, I would like to apologize for not being there when I promised I would, traumatizing the bosses’ trust of me understandably, and putting my coworkers in a bind on a busy weekend morning for the hour I was late.

I couldn’t help it. there was nothing I could do to help it. But I want some ability to walk away with respect, this isn’t a break-up over text. I understand the mistake as viewed by the normie population. I respect that, currently, especially in non-degree requiring minimum wage jobs they will be far less interested in working with the non-normal accommodation requiring employee.

Not due to some prejudice against a person having a disability, but rather a disinterest in figuring out a new system or rule. It’s more work to deal with, that would require altering a business plan that’s been golden as far as they’re concerned since the ’70s. As a child of America’s capitalistic lifestyle indoctrinations, I’ve been surrounded by the belief that the bottom line is the end all, making money matters, you mess up their numbers you get  cut. No exceptions, there isn’t a good reason to keep you. But this boss is known for being lenient and giving female workers extra chances. But not me, he LOVES my BF, but won’t give me a second chance? I was raised in a household with a very socialized perspective of life. I never understand not valuing an individual in the way that specific person is able to provide, as far as their best, to the group. We all do what we can. I dropped the ball this time. Why can’t Big boss step back from his capitalistic employee culling and give my circumstance a listen? Maybe my mind is quick enough and I’m personable enough that in the end I’ll be worth giving a little extra time to give my body a chance to catch up in matching it’s pain tolerance, sleep adjustment, usage adjustment, constant loud noise with chronic migraines adjustment, etc. to deal evenly with keeping my health in good balance. I was doing it. I would have gotten there. I only got to work two shifts. I just needed more time. I needed him to be willing to be understanding enough to talk to me and work out a way for me to show him I am reliable… I just have health issues to deal with, if he will put up with those things with me then I can be of great value, cause I never just get comfortable or lazy, I never stop trying.

Text Convo with my Bestie about getting fired (and her break-up means new beginnings for both of us: her argument):

  • May: It’s a new life for us!
  • Me: Here’s hoping
  • Me: I’m in such a blah mood now about everything though
  • Me: I got fired
  • Me: Like for real, no matter what the reason. In the end somebody thought I wasn’t good enough
  • May: You still have a lot going for you once you finish your Incompletes and graduate. You have so many goals that deserve your focus and all of that positive energy. Energy you were putting in to a job that wasn’t willing to meet you half way
  • Me: I’ve never had anything like that happen to me before though:( I always make allowances to be sure; back up plans for back up plans for back up plans! I never wanted to risk something so nightmarish as what actually happened

I was so proud of myself for functioning through so much pain (one shift I couldn’t stand on one hip or move my left wrist in any direction at all), I think no one noticed the crippled joints! I hid it that well and kept up for a newbie! I’ve been trying so hard to just be one of the workers with everyone else and not ask for special accommodations. I just needed more time, memorizing the menu slowly but surely despite the fibro fog that’s been bad, despite the migraine that hasn’t gone away now in days, despite not sleeping since Wednesday night because my insomnia is getting bad as I progress into an RA flare-up. Getting ready for work hours early cause I can’t do up buttons on my clothes, I can’t bend my elbows or wrists & fingers to do my own hair. I can’t zip my pants zippers, do up my bra hooks, tie my shoe-laces… despite all of this I made it my first two shifts and I’m pretty sure no one could tell I could barely function! I found the weirdest ways to use my hands so I could get my job done, but I was gonna do it! Be damned if I asked for more than just clarifying questions, I just as competent as the other girls here and I’d prove it. I worked through it! I’ve always been afraid I wouldn’t be able to when push comes to shove, but I did it:) I couldn’t function the rest of the week… I couldn’t move from Thursday morning after work until late Sunday night. But I also couldn’t sleep cause the pain was so excessive. So I didn’t sleep until 5am Saturday morning… My BF said I should stay up so I didn’t risk being late. He and the other employees pull double all-nighters all the time. the difference is my body pays on a level that these kids can’t even fathom as a consequence yet. I was starting to nod off standing up dancing to music I had to nap. One sleep cycle and my body should wake up (especially as much water as I’d been chugging, I’d have to pee soon!) and I’ll have absorbed more of the bagel recipes  and prices I had memorized from sleeping after studying.

.. then I was an hour late to my third shift that I picked up for extra practice. I really wanted more practice before classes got in to the swing of things for actually making the bagels.

But we didn’t wake up. I had 5 alarms set neither BF nor I woke to a single alarm. BF had 3 alarms set on his phone. But his phone died after he put it under his pillow in his sleep when his first alarm went off… It’s all my fault, I was the one irresponsible enough not to take the consequences of staying up another night, so that I could make it to the shift I had agreed to be there for. Not being able to get out of bed for a week or two afterward would be worth still having the job, wouldn’t it? But the academic parents in my brain are arguing that just because that is the way things are set-up right now does not make it the correct or fair way, nor does it appropriately depict the spirit of the ADA even if it slips in through some loop hole.

Convo with Bestie, May, contd.

  • Me: Maybe I am just an idiot college kid and slept in cause I’m irresponsible like everyone believes I must be and I’m deluding myself…
  • May: You’re not an idiot
  • Me: I think maybe I am and I’m full of myself, and I think I get stuff, but I don’t get shit, and everyone else is moving forward around me and all I get to do is brush shoulders with them as they pass me cause I’m standing still.
  • May: you are NOT an idiot. At all. You’re not deluding yourself. You were a half-hour early all your other shifts before this happened. You would have been early yesterday too… you were sick. This boss doesn’t even want to give you the chance to tell him that? Then this job isn’t a good fit. That happens. You have skills girl, find a job where they value the skills enough that the accommodations seem like nothing to them!

This is why having support from your friends is so important. It isn’t that I didn’t know these things May was telling me, I just needed to hear it from someone else… does that ever happen to you?