Will I still be who I am If I stop giving chances?

Will I still be who I am and want to be if I stop giving people chances? There are so many pros and cons to both sides. Not getting hurt, not experiencing something amazing, not being taken advantage of, not learning something, learning something painfully. The list goes on. But the biggest con for me; will I have lost my love for the faults in humanity and every individual’s ability to rise above it?

But would I still be the me who I believe in when I look in the mirror? The person who believes that others can change if anyone bothered to let them… and if cigarettes are any indication or break ups for that matter, it can take quite a few times before quitting- a pattern, a behavior- finally sticks. I certainly know it takes a lot of times messing up, depressingly often, for years, before there is any noticeable changes in myself. Even when they are something that I work on everyday.

I talk too much, I come off too strongly to people. This can be very off putting. With the abuse I’ve been through I have been told how awful these traits are to the point where I realized I haven’t believed I’m worth being friends with for quite a long time. The worst part is, it isn’t like anyone else I know doesn’t just reconfirm they don’t like these essential parts of me being who I am. I just wish one person not my parents would tell me that those parts of me are good.

Do I change these things to fit other people? To not deal with the heartache of being so lonely? If I do that, will my heart ache for who I am stifling, my true me? Maybe they are all just right, maybe I am the problem… I am too much. Is that a bad thing though?

If so… how do I change this part of me that is so strongly ingrained in to who I am? If I don’t change then do I put up with the heartache, attacks, bullying of all the people who claim to care? Before of course disappearing from my daily life, but not before they put in their two cents, with the rare occasion I do see them and the bullying starts again? They have already been walking away claiming to be the victims- as I have been lashing out at them for being dragged into my now old group’s nasty drama then having their self absorbed drama/hormone induced narcissism (I know, mildly hyperbolic, but really mildly sadly) jumping on me and blaming me for it.

I want nothing of those people. I want to start new. I want to start listening to my gut and not letting my mind, circumstance, and other people I trust too talk me out of those truths I know

Every time I don’t listen to my instincts I get royally screwed over. Almost always with that person escaping as the victim cause they are “pretty little liars,” but being as blunt as I am… I must be the bad guy right? I won’t play their gaslighting games anymore. I’ve seen therapists long enough for them to tell me I haven’t an ounce of narcissism in me, that they are projecting, that I am being gaslighted. But I still keep making new friends who do the same to me over again. When will it end? How do I actually walk away from these toxic people when they are as ingrained in to the small town life that I live as they are?

An example of why I can’t walk away from a big part of our old group of friends is that in order for my husband to get promoted at work I have to play nice to- nasty narcissists who are manipulative and abusive in order to get what they want. Who somehow, until recently, would gaslight me into believing it was me. I swore I was cutting these people out of my life. But I can’t not if I want my husband to get a salaried job and not just be on minimum wage. Thank goodness for Obamacare or I’d be screwed with no healthcare until he gets moved up. But if I don’t play small town politics with these crooks like they are friends then any chance for advancement is going to be a nasty fight.

Thank goodness the top bosses aren’t in that drama nonsense. Because if it goes wrong, which I’m hoping it’s my anxiety thinking there’s no chance it won’t, these bosses should be able to recognize that this person who is above my BFG and training him has a personal issue with me and is taking it out on BFG. I have an issue with my husband NOT having an issue with the things this guy has done to me and to BFG and other friends at this point– all for this guy’s own gain. But that is so very separate an issue from that of playing politics of a corporate wife, even on the barely above minimum wage level. Because this being a small town, me deciding not to keep toxic people in my life limits who I see drastically. Other than for networking for BFG’s work. Which being as small a town as it is means seeing almost ALL of them, so trying to cut out the toxic people is practically lip service to myself… at least I haven’t run into my ex-husband in all this. That would be the toping on the cake.

I’m done giving these people chances, but I have to keep playing like they matter to me, I have to keep giving them chances, as the more I see them or interact with any of them– the worse my now continuously self-perpetuating abuse cycle in my head grows, just by hearing the things they have to say to me, seeing their faces, knowing to my BFG what they did just doesn’t matter to him even if it matters to me. Other than that it may cause problems for him with work and said people. But my husband needs the promotions for our family. Am I being selfish to ask that these people not be in my thus our lives?

My psyche and ability to move past my PTSD sooner rather than later or never versus my husband actually having a job that supports us as a family? Do I ever have a choice that’s a good one or will it always be to sacrifice one piece of myself or another? So do I screw up our family’s future possibly by taking away chances from the people who have already burned me or do I keep being me, letting them in… knowing in the end I will walk away far more damaged than I was before? I ask this as if it is really a question, but perhaps it is all rhetorical, perhaps I really have no choice, after all I am only being me

… right?

 

Please Return Wednesday

I keep forgetting it’s Thursday. I know that today is the day before the 4th of July. That part I seem to be having no trouble remembering. But remembering that today is a Thursday is not working for me. I’m not talking a mild forgot once incidence either. I’m talking I went to the court house today and thought it was Wednesday until the clerk told me otherwise, then showed me on the large calendar on the wall behind her. They’ve reminded me on Twitter twice. The Victoria’s Secret Angel card guy even reminded me it’s Thursday! I’m having a serious issue with needing one more day in my week today apparently.

Husband says he thinks it’s because I slept through Wednesday…

I didn’t sleep THROUGH Wednesday, I just, slept on and off a lot yesterday… which turns out was Wednesday. I swear this is not my fault. It is totally my Lupus… really…

Oh, what triggered it you say? Well… I guess I did have to do with that part, yeah…

We got back Sunday from our Family (my Momma’s side) vacation and Honeymoon. I didn’t exactly rest afterward like I know I should. Granted I had slept a lot in the car cause I was already sick, so to an extent I felt like I’d been resting already. My body previously started crashing on Friday pretty hardcore. I can’t really claim I had any spoons left by then really. I saved up maybe two spoons on the two day drive home and crashed Sunday night. Monday we find out a best friend, so great a friend she was in our wedding, is having her 21st Bday!! Technically her birthday is the Tuesday, but the dinner and subsequent pub crawl would be Monday night. Woohoo! Not missing this.

That didn’t make Husband happy. He’s looking at me with this, no please don’t you dare do this to me again, look. I just look back like I have no clue how he can fathom a different decision in this situation. I mean come on, I’m already sick, my body is just gonna keep crashing…. whether I go out or not. Why not go out and have fun before the Lupus crash really hits?! This seemed like a fair justification to me at the time. Husband pointed out that I can get sick on top of the illness my body obviously is already fighting.

Oh pooh!  **Great response right?**

It didn’t help that he had other plans for the night, so he had no way to take care of me or make me go home if I got tired or looked sicker. Which didn’t make him any happier. But he drove me up to the dinner and headed to his plans for the night anyway.

Here’s where a beautiful miscommunication happened. I told Husband that I thought I would go on the pub crawl, since he wouldn’t be with me. He heard me say that I wouldn’t go on the pub crawl since he wasn’t with me…. well that led to a lot of confused texts and calls throughout the evening and later missed calls once I was in the clubs.

It doesn’t help that I almost lost my phone in the bathrooms twice. This has been happening to me a lot lately. I almost left my phone at a rest stop on our trip South.

I went on the pub crawl. The level of liquor aside, it wasn’t the healthiest of my choices lately. Being inside the bars, all the people, shaking hands, speaking close to my face, even kisses hello or goodbye on the cheek. I was in the true cesspool of diseases, any of which disease I easily could catch on top of what I have (noncontagious to others) now and I was LOVING it!!! I hadn’t been out and really had fun since the chemo. I mean the last treatment was only two weeks ago. But who cares there isn’t going to be another one!!! AAAhhhhh I wanted to PARTY!!! I really didn’t go that crazy. Drunk granted. But unsafe drunk, black out drunk, any extreme like that. Really not big on that kinda drunk since I was 21 myself actually;) hahaha

**I sound like I’m going a little crazy right? Cabin fever does that to social butterflies I tell you**

I was having a great time. I’d even met some current social chairs to a few Frats (I’m Alum, but I know my girls would love to party with them) I was talking about the potential for socials for my girls and getting pretty excited for them. All of a sudden there’s my Husband standing next to me and pretty much carries me out of the bar!! WTF!?! What just happened, where did you come from, why didn’t you let me finish talking???

Why aren’t you wearing your mask? was his response…

I didn’t have a response for that, other than not wanting to, which isn’t a reason at all. Not when it comes to wearing the mask.

I was awake part of Tuesday, but mostly from anger. I didn’t have a good reason, beyond his over reaction, to be mad at my Husband. I was mad though. It didn’t help that he was by far more angry, so he had a snarky response to no matter what I had to say.

When I say part of Tuesday what I mean is I was awake for coffee and breakfast, I did that part myself:)

Then I slept until dinner, when I went out with my bestie for girl time to catch up. I legit don’t remember sitting down when I got home after dinner, let alone going to bed.

Then I woke up this morning at 7:00am ready to get work done, like I planned to Wednesday! Only to find out it’s Thursday. So can we please rewind and return it to Wednesday that way I can get done what I planned to do today and have Thursday to work as well? K, thanks.

 

The Dosage That Finally Made My Guts Heave

I can’t hold anything down this time around. It was the last infusion. What’s weird is the dose was lower than they have been typically. But for some reason it really hit me this time. I’ve decided that it is a combination of things. First I have become to complacent with taking the preventative meds for nausea dizziness, etc. Second, I suspect I over did myself he weekend before my treatment:/ I can’t help it, I want to have fun when I can. In general it keeps my spirits up, but when the backlash is this bad, it doesn’t make the fun worth it. I was just starting to get some meat on my bones! I really need/want to gain weight!! This isn’t gonna happen if I keep having weird bouts of renting food. I prefer to store permanently the food that I spend the energy to ingest, thanks.

Visiting the In-Laws

Here’s a post that I started more than a month ago, but could only finish now.

12/27/13

So we found out Boxing day that everyone on BF’s mom’s side of the family is getting sick and getting sick fast. This was where we had planned to stay, but with my suppresed immune system that isn’t close to an option. So how do we still make it to Grandma’s 90th if we have nowhere to stay that night?

We had to work fast. His father’s house was an option, but a slim one. For one thing we didn’t know if anyone was sick there because we hadn’t needed to ask. This side of the family has a number of toddlers, which frequently means sniffles and coughs… at the very least. For another thing, they are already housing a number of family members for The Birthday. There was no telling if they had any rooms left that we could stay in! He is the youngest of 6 siblings… there wasn’t likely to be a room that wasn’t being used. Here’s hoping.

**Fingers crossed**

We also started looking up hotels that were half way between his mother’s place and his father & step-mother’s place–keeping in mind, of course, that we have a very slim budget. I mentally bookmarked quite a few hotels as options the night before we headed out the door.

Speaking with his father about the option of staying the night at their place, we got lucky. His father agreed that we needed to make sure the family members showing up weren’t sick first, but there was a bed on hold for us.  My poor Dear had to do all of the driving, not that he doesn’t usually do most of the driving, but it was difficult for me to realize that there was no option for him if he got tired of driving. However, there are some pluses to not having had a license until I was 26 years old: I learned to be a good navigator and copilot.  If you need someone to open up your water bottle, check the map for our next exit, change to a radio channel that isn’t playing Nickelback or unwrap your sandwich, I’m your woman! But put me behind the wheel and my ADHD is so busy concentrating on not getting distracted by anything on the road that a lot of the leisureliness of a road trip gets deleted.

When we got to BF’s parent’s house we put on our protective masks and headed for the door. We stood inside the glass porch to speak with his dad. Sure enough, a number of family members had sniffles and coughs.  His father was very worried about us staying in the germy environment and getting sick. We explained that we had looked up hotels before leaving, finding a number of reasonably priced hotels that we could stay in for a few days. Specifically, we had quite liked the idea of the Microtel in the area. I had stayed in Microtels growing up on family vacations when I was little and we were traveling on the road. They tend to be rather nice hotels the room itself is just smaller. but the things in it aren’t.  This helps make the hotel room cheaper than other hotels typically are. His father agreed to pay for a hotel room for two nights, this way we could stay for the duration of the family visit that we’d intended. This meant we had half of the time to spend with his father’s side and the other half to spend with his mother’s side, just as we had intended. Both BF and I were extremely touched by this show of concern and interest in my/our well-being.

Knowing how difficult it can be to accommodate me to begin with, everyone on both sides of the family really went out of their way to make sure I had the opportunity to feel included. They managed to make me feel like I was actually one of their children being accommodated rather than someone outside the family that they had to “deal with.” If I hadn’t already been sure at this point, that they were going to be amazing in-laws, this vacation certainly cemented the idea in my head.

Xmas Eve: My Dad’s B-Day

We celebrate my Dad’s birthday on the 24th even though he was actually born on the 25th. This way it gives him a day for him and Christmas can be that as well. Though we always wish Daddy a Happy Birthday when we wake up Xmas day! He gets his special meal and presents etc. on Christmas eve.

I really enjoy the traditions my family has created for itself for these few days we all get to spend together. Despite what many other families are like, I really enjoy spending time with my family. We pretty much spend the whole time having fun and laughing.

Thing is this time I’m sick. Not like what we are ALL used to sick (they did grow up with me), but a sick that is more, a sick that interferes in a way we haven’t quite figured out how to adapt to yet. That’s not fair. Everyone is adapting, but part of adapting is catering to my needs on a level that makes me feel like I take away a lot of fun and time that we would typically all be spending together.

Chronic Illness & College

School work, making it to class, processing what I’m reading all depend on the day. Some days its fun. Other days that part of my brain just doesn’t live in my head. And, of course, I do mean my head, not my mind. It’s physical.

And, of course, it’s not just my head! Will my joints and muscles, which are necessary to complete any progress for the day, actually  function! Will my brain send undulating waves of vertigo with its ensuing nausea?  Cause let’s face it, there is a point where I just don’t have the fight in me that day. There are just days where I can only  show up late to class, fall asleep during class, or get up and leave class. And then there are the days when I can’t understand the reading I did twice or those days when every time the prof speaks sharp pain shoots in my brain. And those days when I can barely sit in the seats from pain with the students low chatter throbbing in my brain and distracting me. And those days when I’m not able to take notes cause my hands are too swollen.

These are all just issues I deal with 

IF I get to class that day!

Birth Control Finally Under Control

Wow! It’s finally regulated! I’ve been cautious in saying anything right away, I didn’t want to jinx myself. But my BC seems to have actually started working correctly. Minimally annoying break through bleeding and my period comes when it’s supposed to!! woohoo!

I would like to think this is due to me focusing on taking the pill on time or switching to a hormone level that agrees with me… thing is… I’m pretty sure, that when it comes down to it, that stuff was irrelevant.

So what is it that has made the difference? For years my endocrine system has shut down due to some medications that I have had to take. For several months now I have been working with my doctors to try and get it working again and it seems finally to have kickstarted itself. As a result, my endocrine system is pumping out my sex/stress/coping juices on its own and that, I think, may be the major factor.

Unfortunately, I have also had an arthritis flare-up (RA). I hope my period did not trigger it since that is why I started taking birth control to begin with. Not just a little flare-up mind you, a major immobilizing flare-up. Going back and forth from my knees being so stiff and swollen they won’t hold my weight to my elbows, wrists, and fingers being so swollen and stiff that I start referring to myself with claw-like features;)

AASECT Licensure

I officially started my AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) licensure process today! I’m so excited! My mentor and I went through the guidelines and I have to sign something that she puts together and sends in to request permission to begin my hours, then everything I do after that with my  mentor counts toward the licensure!

I’m really excited! I looked up stuff about the AASECT annual conference. This year it’s in Monterey, CA. Talk about somewhere I would love an excuse to visit! At the conference they offer the chance to take tons of seminars that meet a lot of my required hours toward certification.

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To begin my day I barely got out of bed. Let’s not forget I have been turning into an 80-year old lady quite rapidly this week! My crippled stiff throbbing joints weren’t having it this morning when I tried to wrestle my way into an outfit. I wanted to wake up to work on more of my prep reading for this meeting, but managed to wake up with only enough time to run around like the hens when the rooster gets released in the pen! I stopped to get myself a coffee at my less preferred coffee shop in town (I don’t do chains, so screw Starbucks all together) cause I really want some pumpkin latte thanks. I haven’t had one yet this season, I deserved it! I’m thinking to save money I’m going to look for a pumpkin spice creamer or flavoring syrup at the grocery store tomorrow. . . if I make it there.

See I’m not sure how I’ll be doing tomorrow as I ended up have to leave my meeting to go puke a third of the way through :( . I am so lucky that I have the mentor I do! I’m not sure if it comes with being a parent or if she just has that go-with-the-flow personality, but my Mentor said, “Do what you need to do Iz. I’ll finish typing the requirements for your work this week.” Awesome right? So I go puke, get myself together. then I rallied baby!! I went back to her office and finished my meeting. I am soooooo proud of myself every time I do that.

There is always that moment when my head is pressed into the palms of my hands as I sit on the cold tile bathroom floor. I’m trying to get my temperature to go back down, and all of the energy I thought I had stored up has just been depleted, all I want to do is just lie down on the floor and not bother with the rest of my day. It can take a lot at those times to muster up energy that doesn’t exist, plaster a smile on my face, and go back to my day like it’s just another normal day. For me it is. But I don’t know anyone else who would go to class after that. Let alone function enough to build a schedule and road map for a class curriculum! I deserve ice cream for that!! Don’t you think?

 

Vampires, Werewolves, and Lupus

Awake all night, asleep all day! I may not be affected by the phases of the moon, oh no! But practically;)

I am affected by Barometric pressure changes, time of the month phases, and UV lighting among other things! Could we come up with a new super creature to cover this… or X-man something?

Cause seriously, a cool name would totally make the draw backs worth it! It would be like, “OH! That’s cool, I can’t move my legs today? Must have stepped in some kryptonite!”

**Replace kryptonite with necessary Lupus equivalents**

But NOOoooOOOOoooo, instead I get to say…. oh I can’t move my legs, it’s the cursed Lupus. We get the cursed part of being a werewolf without the cool superman powers. I suppose we could call knowing when it will rain our spidey-sense?

But when I’m stuck inside on a weekend night the villainous thoughts I get circling through my head tend toward, “Quick think of a super power that helps ward off boredom!?” rather than plotting my next full-moon excursion.

It’s all in the wording. Wording can infect us get inside our heads. If we think of the disease as a curse then what we live with is the cursed Lupus! But if we think of it with goofiness and fascination we get the chance to be Spiderman discovering our spidey-senses.