The problem is my brain stops working; when I can’t sleep or my sleep pattern becomes completely incorrect. When I say stops working I mean it feels like my brain starts shutting down, I become more of a zombie or cartoon character by the day; I forget words, what I’m doing, how to do what I’m doing, I fall asleep randomly for a few minutes, and I totally miss what’s going on around me!
I really wish I could give myself something to do at night. When I can’t sleep, so that I can feel productive. Which works really well in the beginning, until my brain stops working. Then doing anything that isn’t muscle memory becomes extremely difficult. My problem with that is, anything too muscle memory, just gets boring for me. I like to learn, teach myself things, express. I could knit; my hands and wrists are exceptionally swollen right now. I may not be able to figure out a position to hold my hands in. Also I may not be able to find a project that I’m in the mood to knit. Which would mean starting a new project. My brain isn’t up for figuring out colors, numbers, patterns, designing. I can easily replace the word knitting with any of the other types of artistry I like to do; I would still end up with the same situation. I will find a new something project-wise soon. Right now I just feel bummed I can’t express my artistry:(
But when I haven’t been getting sleep I start feeling like I am disconnecting. I don’t feel right and it’s so frustrating. I would say upsetting, but there’s this lack of overwhelming emotion, almost like I am too tired to feel upset.
Even writing right now is difficult. I want to get my thoughts out. It’s amazing how long it takes me to get one sentence, let alone one thought written out. But it gives me something to do. Perhaps it will exhaust my system in some way I haven’t thought of to allow me to go back to sleep? I can’t even do research. I can’t process anything I try to read. this is an all day thing not just in the middle of the night.
Not sleeping at night affects my day so badly. I have a lot more trouble coping with anything during the day when I haven’t been sleeping. I’m not referring to the cranky, snappy, over-emotionalness that goes with the initial lack of sleep or weird sleeping. More like I feel like a zombie; like I’m not really a person that is fully connected in the world. No I mean the completely emotionless not processing, what you are saying, not understanding what my response to the situation should be, totally disconnecting from reality… it’s less disruptive, certainly; but it’s more disconcerting and dare I say almost scary for me to feel?
The less sleep or the more weird sleeping I get the worse I will be triggering my Fibro flare-up too. Up until now I hadn’t been doing so badly with my Fibromyalgia. Until recently my Arthritis was the disease being a distractingly annoying twit. Well… also my MS or whatever-not it is, we don’t know so I’m choosing not to think about it at 4:00am… My muscles are starting to ache and the bruising points down my spine restarting to not be even lie-on-able.
I often feel like I am opposite most people with Fibro. We find that fibro-points generally progress in a similar fashion despite the person. The spine fibro-points aching is generally an indication that a Fibro flare has gotten bad enough that it’s at its “worst.” In my case I tend to get the spine pain if not first than pretty close to it. Honestly I haven’t figured out if it is just that I have trained myself not to listen to that “low a level of pain.” If having hurt for so long, as with other particular pains, I’ve trained myself to maybe note it in passing. In general I just forget it after the initial notice unless the problem becomes past my pain tolerance or consistent in presentation.
I know that I will find something that gets my body back into the right sleep-cycle. I know I will find something to do to pass my time and even potentially feel good about something by being productive until I do figure out how to correct my sleeping this time around. While I am going through it though, I have found that sleep problems throw off my mood more than almost any of the other symptoms I deal with long-term. I will get through it, but more than so many of the other issues I deal with, I have to continuously remind myself of this with the lack of sleep becoming so bad. I start feeling like things can’t end or I can’t get out. But I’ve been through this too many times to mope for too long. Too many times to forget or ignore that I know it gets better! I just have to wait. Waiting is difficult for anyone. I’m an exceptionally IMPATIENT person!! I don’t like just sitting around. When I decide I want to do something or have an idea I’m pretty hard pressed to stop from getting things done.
I got two loads of laundry done today… Usually I would feel proud of this, on a day like today, when I’ve been hurting too much to function physically! When my mood gets like this I have trouble being proud of much of anything:/ This makes it so that I minimize even the bigger accomplishments that I might (by luck) manage. Of course the little things thus being “nothing” in my head, I doubt myself; that I should have done better, that I shouldn’t have bothered at all. That I don’t have anything bigger to be proud of and never will…
Yeah I tear myself down that’s for sure. I never have mood issues like this until I am having sleep issues. Hahaha gee… ya think maybe they’re related? Yeah me too… I’ll get up and get some vitamin D tomorrow, go outside and listen to music or read, “I can mope inside just as well as outside.” and I’ll feel so much better, I’ve already decided, humph;)